By Steve Van Nattan and our Readers


Pastoral Candidates

The following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for a pastorate.

Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking naked in the woods.  When once confronted with his sins, he tried to pass all the blame onto his wife.

Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building projects.  After being delivered from danger by God, this man went on a roaring drunk.  

Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another man.  Came only seconds from intentionally killing his son on one occasion.  When given an opportunity to live in a gracious community, he lost this chance to better himself by letting a backslidden nephew take the opportunity.  We fear he could fall into poverty and be a burden on our church family.

Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison record.  It seems he has spent most of his life in abject slavery, and this makes us wonder if he is prepared to deal with highly placed businessmen and community leaders.  Once he even set up a man on a charge of theft and had him sent to prison.

Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. This casts doubt on his alleged origins as a foster child of the Pharaohs in Egypt.  Such a background would certainly produce a great orator.  Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.  Also, we feel his inter-racial marriage would cause tension in our assembly.

David:  The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's wife.  He also seems to need to kill his enemies rather than form ecumenical associations.

Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.

Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.  Mocks at ecumenical gatherings as other ministers worship, on one occasion even inspiring them to hack themselves up with knives.  Was last seen chasing cars on foot!

Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

Jehu: This man shows every indication of being filled with zeal and energy. He is, like most pastors, always in a hurry, and the local police can tell from far off when he is driving into town by the cloud of dust in the distance. But, Jehu's Zeal is highly hazardous. He at one time surreptitiously called a meeting of all the ecumenical religious leaders in his community, sequestered them in the church sanctuary, and then he and his friends killed all the ministers in cold blood. He once shot a man in the back for just asking, "Is it peace?" He also showed very low esteem for the leaders of the nation when he once called for the wife of the king to be cast out of her bedroom window into the street, where he then allowed the dogs to eat her. He does seem to befriend some useful people, though one of his friends is Jehonadab, a man famous his legalistic attacks on alcoholic beverages. This man, not content to just kill the famous royal ecumenical King Ahab, joined Jehu in killing off virtually every remaining relative of the king. The pulpit committee was not only horrified that Jehu would dare to think of pastoring a church-- We have forwarded his resume to the FBI and Homeland Security. We understand that the Palestinians are descendants of Jehu's friend, Jehonadab.

Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.

Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.  Those who have read his writings have destroyed them at once due to his offensive language.  For example, his last book was tossed in the Euphrates River.

Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language.  Openly admits his lips are unclean.

Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. He also claimed to have a sign ministry in growing pumpkins to full size in only one day. Though he has a very bad attitude toward those to whom he preaches, he would be a great blessing in a signs and wonders ministry. He does have a small problem with the odor about him-- smells a bit like fish vomit.

Amos: Too backward and unpolished. His chief experience is in herding cattle and gathering figs.  With some seminary training he might have promise, but has a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.

Melchizedek: Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from? No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.

John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.  Has very poor tact when in the company of royalty. Rumor has it though that he will not be under consideration much longer for a pulpit since he has tormented the great religious king Herod and his wife about their personal marriage arrangements.

Peter: Too blue collar. Is said to return to fishing at the most improper times.  Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.  Also, Paul has a physical problem which would make him hard to look at as he preaches.  Once started a civil uproar, and then fled by going over the wall in a basket.  Has been seen visiting with Arabs on a ship from Adramitum (south Arabia).  Once spent the winter with Publius, a notorious pagan on a primitive island.  At that place he started a church be initiating a snake handling ministry. But, he is probably not really under consideration for our pulpit, for the last report has him in Rome under house arrest. Seems to get himself into much too much trouble.

James and John: Package deal preacher and associate seemed good at first, but found out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions. Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers who didn't follow along with them.  Reference:  Diotrophese, a fine leader in a church under John's care, reports that he was summarily dumped out of the church after John wrote a letter instructing the church leaders to do so.  Seems very high handed. He is also fond of forcing his parishioners to admit openly that they are sinners, and calls them liars if they decline. Tradition says that he once walked right into the stronghold of bandits and killers to rescue a backslidden former convert, while the whole local church told him not to do it. Too brash and bold.

Timothy: Too young!  He has a mixed heritage, being fathered by a Greek, and we KNOW what that means.  Also, wine was found in his refrigerator by a deacon in his church.

Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!

Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all, and his church then dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in one place very long. Owns nearly nothing and would be a very needy man if we called him, for he borrows virtually everything he needs, or his friends have to support him.  He has been seen on many occasions having very cordial visits with sinners and tax collectors.  He absolutely refuses to teach his followers how to avoid paying taxes as a form of good stewardship.  On one occasion, when confronted with a whore, who was caught red handed in sin and worthy of stoning, Jesus just let her go and told her to stop sinning.  He seems inordinately preoccupied with demons, casting them out of people everywhere he goes.  He compliments those who give very little in the offering and mocks at those who give heavily.  He allows some people to worship him, while others he rebukes for merely calling him "good".  He has drawn many death threats due to his open rejection of the great religious Ecumenical leaders.  On one occasion, he walked boldly into the biggest church in the area and made havoc of their fund raising program and whipped many of the leaders and helpers with a whip.  It seems it would be very dangerous to be too close to Jesus.  He even warns his followers that they will suffer if they follow him.  And, of course, he's single.  Much of his teaching sounds suicidal, pointing to some day of death and doom for himself.  This would be a very negative ministry, and we are seeking power in positive thinking in our next pastor.

Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Is very zealous to gather funds to feed the poor.  Good connections. Has been the trusted treasurer during the ministry of Jesus.  Was once seen embracing Jesus Christ, which is a very encouraging proof of his loyalty to Jesus.  We're inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here.  Rumors have it that he took his life yesterday, but this seems highly unlikely with his great history and future potential.

Balaam:  Has had an anointed prophetic ministry and has made appearances with Balac on The 700 Club.  Is in very close contact with royalty, who pay him well for his services.  He is famous for his politically correct ability to communicate with the animal kingdom.  Also, he is well versed in alternate ethical choices and solutions.  Should be exceptional in a marriage counseling ministry.   If Judas does not work out, this candidate should be strongly considered.

Lucifer:  Started his career as the Minister of Music in the highest places.  Is extremely gifted in music, and is the original motivator of Contemporary Christian Music and Rock Music in the churches.  Was unjustly fired from his position for trying to merely be like God.  His next ministry was as staff pastor in the brush arbor Edenic Bible Conference where he lead his whole congregation to convert to his self-love theology. Thereafter; he has had the highest recommendations of many institutions which he himself founded, such as, the Freemasons, Druid Christianity, The Jesuit Order, Opus Dei, Promise Keepers, the Brownsville River of Renewal which he still inspires, many large denominations, such as the United Methodist Church, the Episcopal Church, and the Southern Baptist Convention which he staffed with his Masonic co-workers.  He has about 6000 years of experience with motivating Human relations from the lowest places, to the Royal Family of Great Britain, Nancy Reagan, and Hillary Clinton.  In recent times, Billy Graham has approved of Lucifer's ministry among Buddhists, stating that they will be going to heaven also.  He comes with uncountable ministers of light and truth who help him wherever he goes.  This candidate would of course be our first choice.  Our pulpit committee is trying to make contact with Lucifer if per chance he would be willing to pastor our church.  His highly placed heritage may preclude his coming to our small congregation.  An old crank on the pulpit committee claims Lucifer is already pastoring our church, which is of course preposterous, since we cannot see him anywhere in our midst.