YOU MAY WANT TO LOOK INTO
Steve Van Nattan and our Readers
following is a confidential report on several candidates being considered for
Good man but problems with his wife. Also one reference
told of how his wife and he enjoy walking naked in the woods. When once
confronted with his sins, he tried to pass all the blame onto his wife.
pastorate of 120 years with not even one convert. Prone to unrealistic building
projects. After being delivered from danger by God, this man went on a roaring
Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never
slept with another man's wife, but did offer to share his own wife with another
man. Came only seconds from intentionally killing his son on one occasion.
When given an opportunity to live in a gracious community, he lost this
chance to better himself by letting a backslidden nephew take the opportunity.
We fear he could fall into poverty and be a burden on our church family.
big thinker, but a braggart, believes in dream-interpreting, and has a prison
record. It seems he has spent most of his life in abject slavery, and this
makes us wonder if he is prepared to deal with highly placed businessmen and community
leaders. Once he even set up a man on a charge of theft and had him sent
A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. This
casts doubt on his alleged origins as a foster child of the Pharaohs in Egypt.
Such a background would certainly produce a great orator. Sometimes
blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder
charge. Also, we feel his inter-racial marriage would cause tension in our
The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had
with his neighbor's wife. He also seems to need to kill his enemies rather
than form ecumenical associations.
Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression.
Collapses under pressure. Mocks at ecumenical gatherings as other ministers
worship, on one occasion even inspiring them to hack themselves up with knives.
Was last seen chasing cars on foot!
Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.
This man shows every indication of being filled with zeal and energy. He is,
like most pastors, always in a hurry, and the local police can tell from far off
when he is driving into town by the cloud of dust in the distance. But, Jehu's
Zeal is highly hazardous. He at one time surreptitiously called a meeting of all
the ecumenical religious leaders in his community, sequestered them in the church
sanctuary, and then he and his friends killed all the ministers in cold blood.
He once shot a man in the back for just asking, "Is it peace?" He also
showed very low esteem for the leaders of the nation when he once called for the
wife of the king to be cast out of her bedroom window into the street, where he
then allowed the dogs to eat her. He does seem to befriend some useful people,
though one of his friends is Jehonadab, a man famous his legalistic attacks on
alcoholic beverages. This man, not content to just kill the famous royal ecumenical
King Ahab, joined Jehu in killing off virtually every remaining relative of the
king. The pulpit committee was not only horrified that Jehu would dare to think
of pastoring a church-- We have forwarded his resume to the FBI and Homeland Security.
We understand that the Palestinians are descendants of Jehu's friend, Jehonadab.
tender and loving pastor but our people could never handle his wife's occupation.
unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things, reported to have taken
a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river. Those
who have read his writings have destroyed them at once due to his offensive language.
For example, his last book was tossed in the Euphrates River.
Isaiah: On the fringe?
Claims to have seen angels in church. Has trouble with his language. Openly
admits his lips are unclean.
Refused God's call into ministry until he was forced to obey by getting swallowed
up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here.
He also claimed to have a sign ministry in growing pumpkins to full size in only
one day. Though he has a very bad attitude toward those to whom he preaches, he
would be a great blessing in a signs and wonders ministry. He does have a small
problem with the odor about him-- smells a bit like fish vomit.
Too backward and unpolished. His chief experience is in herding cattle and
gathering figs. With some seminary training he might have promise, but has
a hang-up against wealthy people--might fit in better in a poor congregation.
Great credentials at current work place, but where does this guy come from?
No information on his resume about former work records. Every line about parents
was left blank and he refused to supply a birth date.
Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't dress like one. Has slept in
the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational
leaders. Has very poor tact when in the company of royalty. Rumor has it
though that he will not be under consideration much longer for a pulpit since
he has tormented the great religious king Herod and his wife about their personal
Too blue collar. Is said to return to fishing at the most improper times.
Has a bad temper-even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul
in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.
Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact,
unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.
Also, Paul has a physical problem which would make him hard to look at as
he preaches. Once started a civil uproar, and then fled by going over the
wall in a basket. Has been seen visiting with Arabs on a ship from Adramitum
(south Arabia). Once spent the winter with Publius, a notorious pagan on
a primitive island. At that place he started a church be initiating a snake
handling ministry. But, he is probably not really under consideration for our
pulpit, for the last report has him in Rome under house arrest. Seems to get himself
into much too much trouble.
and John: Package deal preacher and associate seemed good at first, but found
out they have an ego problem regarding other fellow workers and seating positions.
Threatened an entire town after an insult. Also known to try to discourage workers
who didn't follow along with them. Reference: Diotrophese, a fine
leader in a church under John's care, reports that he was summarily dumped out
of the church after John wrote a letter instructing the church leaders to do so.
Seems very high handed. He is also fond of forcing his parishioners to admit
openly that they are sinners, and calls them liars if they decline. Tradition
says that he once walked right into the stronghold of bandits and killers to rescue
a backslidden former convert, while the whole local church told him not to do
it. Too brash and bold.
Too young! He has a mixed heritage, being fathered by a Greek, and we
KNOW what that means. Also, wine was found in his refrigerator by a deacon
in his church.
Too old . . . WAY too old!
Has had popular times, but once his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend
them all, and his church then dwindled down to twelve people. Seldom stays in
one place very long. Owns nearly nothing and would be a very needy man if we called
him, for he borrows virtually everything he needs, or his friends have to support
him. He has been seen on many occasions having very cordial visits with
sinners and tax collectors. He absolutely refuses to teach his followers
how to avoid paying taxes as a form of good stewardship. On one occasion,
when confronted with a whore, who was caught red handed in sin and worthy of stoning,
Jesus just let her go and told her to stop sinning. He seems inordinately
preoccupied with demons, casting them out of people everywhere he goes. He
compliments those who give very little in the offering and mocks at those who
give heavily. He allows some people to worship him, while others he rebukes
for merely calling him "good". He has drawn many death threats due to his
open rejection of the great religious Ecumenical leaders. On one occasion,
he walked boldly into the biggest church in the area and made havoc of their fund
raising program and whipped many of the leaders and helpers with a whip. It
seems it would be very dangerous to be too close to Jesus. He even warns
his followers that they will suffer if they follow him. And, of course,
he's single. Much of his teaching sounds suicidal, pointing to some day
of death and doom for himself. This would be a very negative ministry, and
we are seeking power in positive thinking in our next pastor.
His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Is very zealous to gather
funds to feed the poor. Good connections. Has been the trusted treasurer
during the ministry of Jesus. Was once seen embracing Jesus Christ, which
is a very encouraging proof of his loyalty to Jesus. We're inviting him
to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here. Rumors have it that he took his
life yesterday, but this seems highly unlikely with his great history and future
Has had an anointed prophetic ministry and has made appearances with
Balac on The 700 Club. Is in very close contact with royalty, who pay him
well for his services. He is famous for his politically correct ability
to communicate with the animal kingdom. Also, he is well versed in alternate
ethical choices and solutions. Should be exceptional in a marriage counseling
ministry. If Judas does not work out, this candidate should be strongly
Started his career as the Minister of Music in the highest places. Is
extremely gifted in music, and is the original motivator of Contemporary Christian
Music and Rock Music in the churches. Was unjustly fired from his position
for trying to merely be like God. His next ministry was as staff pastor
in the brush arbor Edenic Bible Conference where he lead his whole congregation
to convert to his self-love theology. Thereafter; he has had the highest recommendations
of many institutions which he himself founded, such as, the Freemasons, Druid
Christianity, The Jesuit Order, Opus Dei, Promise Keepers, the Brownsville River
of Renewal which he still inspires, many large denominations, such as the United
Methodist Church, the Episcopal Church, and the Southern Baptist Convention which
he staffed with his Masonic co-workers. He has about 6000 years of experience
with motivating Human relations from the lowest places, to the Royal Family of
Great Britain, Nancy Reagan, and Hillary Clinton. In recent times, Billy
Graham has approved of Lucifer's ministry among Buddhists, stating that they will
be going to heaven also. He comes with uncountable ministers of light and
truth who help him wherever he goes. This candidate would of course be our
first choice. Our pulpit committee is trying to make contact with Lucifer
if per chance he would be willing to pastor our church. His highly placed
heritage may preclude his coming to our small congregation. An old crank
on the pulpit committee claims Lucifer is already pastoring our church, which
is of course preposterous, since we cannot see him anywhere in our midst.
TO WAR ROOM
TO THE TITLE PAGE OF THE JOURNAL