Shirley god can use the
New International Version and the New American Standard Bible to start a revival.
god wants us to all work together in all the confessions and churches for the
god loves our Cowboy Church where we do hick burp rodeo tricks and are all hat
and no cattle.
god wants us to empty our minds and be centered in meditation.
god loves it when pastors host game show churches.
god used evolution to form the world, as evolution doesn't rule out the existence
of Shirley God. (This one is inspired by a conversation on a Usenet board some
god cannot alone control the weather or protect us from global warming. Shirley
god needs us to send our monetary contributions to his prophet Al Gore, and fill
his pockets, so he can empower Shirley god, because only money can give Shirley
god power to save the planet.
god can use explicit sexual innuendo to reach the lost, as in the words of Andre
Crouch, "Can't nobody,
do me like Jesus."
god wants our church to grow to be a monster by using patented plans by Rick Warren
and Purpose Driven Cheese instead the methods of the Apostle Paul.
god is impressed with preachers who sit in their offices and study for there sermons
[ and surf the Web for sermon illustrations ] instead of wasting time at the local
cafe with those nasty publicans and sinners.
god loves a cheeky pastor's wife who bosses the ladies and men around when her
husband is busy flirting with a deacon's wife.
god is also tolerant with the pastor's wife's red satin form-fitting dress, with
her cleavage exposed, as long as the hem line is at her ankles.
god would not expect a pastor to resign and give total attention to his family
just because one of his kids, who is still at home, got into sexual sin or perversion.
god does not expect Reformed Christians to win souls and actually talk about Jesus
in public, because Shirley god can get lost souls saved without our help if he
is really sovereign.
god cares more that women have a positive self-image than that they are virtuous!
( This one from Valerie B )
god understands the pain we feel when we refuse to stop sinning.
( This one
formalized by Bill Clinton.)
god says that all truth is God's truth.
(This was learned, and unlearned,
by one of our readers at college)
Shirley god loves me
more because I am big and fat, for Shirley god loves the fat.
god loves how the books in the Chronicles of Narnia series, and the Lord of the
Rings trilogy, witness to the lost. [ Contributed by Andrew ______ ]
god doesn't condemn a homosexual relationship if it's a loving one.
by Bob __________ of San Diego ]
god is blessed more by big monster churches than by small house churches.
[ Contributed by Rita Marlene _____________ ]
god has many images and HE can speak through different versions (of the Bible).
[ Verbatim from James L Hewett IV defending the perversion bibles ]
God won't mind if an elderly woman of God teaches the adult Sunday School Class.
The pastor raved about how he was blessed by her teaching the class. "She is so
sensitive to the Holy Spirit! I am so refreshed..."
[ Contributed by Darrell
Duncan. The next is my addition from experience. ]
god can use single lady missionaries to lead the national church to Christian
maturity on the foreign missionfield if there is no man available.
god knows "how difficult it is in today's world for engaged couples to be
faithful to purity before marriage."
[ Contributed by Pope John Paul
II speaking for Shirley god-- Aug. 19, 2000 ]
god saith, "You cannot have a biblical local church without Sunday School."
god saith, "All true Baptist churches must be planted by another Baptist
church, which is descended from John the Baptist and maybe even Korah."
god saith, "Get thee church busses to bring the children to Jesus. That way,
the back seats of your automobiles will no be soiled by those little brats."
god commands that a perfect church makes the youth and children the center of
god wants the children to be sent away from the adults as much as possible, especially
god is pleased when you have an Easter sunrise service to mix pagan sun worship
with the resurrection story, especially if you do so with another church which
you know is on the Broad Way."
god loves to see the Lord's people make a big thing of Christmas, for this is
what the pagan Jews did in Ezekiel 8 as they faced Babylon and celebrated the
return of the sun god Marduk.
god wants all pastors to be on call at the local mortuary so that they can bury
as many wicked sinners as possible instead of letting the dead bury their own
god loves to see patriotic rallies and flags waving in the church house several
times a year.
god wants church leaders who cannot make up their minds until they have consulted
god wants the parking lot of the church house resurfaced before a new missionary
is put on the roster.
god wants the local church to build its new facilities by going as far as possible
in debt and selling bonds to ungodly neighbors.
god wants the local church registered as a nonprofit corporation with Caesar,
just like the Gay Liberation Task Force and NAMBLA.
god wants the church leaders to be wealthy and to use their giving to influence
the management of the church and the "direction" of the new pastor.
god wants laws to be made about dress and chivalry rather than to teach the Word
on the subject, and see if the Holy Spirit may take care of the thing without
laws. Shirley god knows that Law is safer than trusting the Holy Spirit.
god knows that no one is any good for Christian service unless they have gone
to Bob Jones University or Tennessee Temple.
god hates divorce, but he understands that bad things happen, and we cannot untangle
the results of sin, so Shirley god just overlooks divorce after a couple of years.
god accepts the good old boys who say, "I don't say much about my religion,
I just kind of live it, and I am sure that Shirley god can use that somehow."
god loves a good lively time of chopping and joke telling to "warm up"
the people on Sunday morning just before the worship time.
god can use a speaker much better who has had a long flattering introduction before
taking the pulpit.
god saith, "Missionaries are the cream of the Lord's people, so you can trust
it, missionaries are never lazy, and they can do no wrong."
god saith, "Get thee up to a local Bible conference, for the speakers there
are much more clever and biblically knowledgeable than thy weasely little pastor."
god does not approve of too much demonstrative behavior during a preaching time,
like when some deacon shouts, "Amen, Preach it brother," or, "Don't
quit now preacher."
god does not want preaching to be controversial and offensive.
god must have been very upset when Steve Van Nattan had already preached for 45
minutes on hell and still had two points left in his sermon, AND, Brother Sandy
MacDonald shouted, "Finish that sermon preacher!"
god will receive Billy Graham into heaven, even though he says Buddhists can be
saved without believing in Jesus Christ as their Savior.
god can use the Medieval and Luciferian fantasies of C.S. Lewis to teach Christian
god understands we have liberty in Christ Jesus which means it is OK to watch
any perverted pigslop I want to on television.
god understands with this liberty in Christ we can dress in worldly and provocative
ways (to include body piercing and tatooing) "to be all things to all people so
we can win some to Christ".
god knows all who attend church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday
night are in bondage to rank legalism.
[ The above three contributed by Herbert
god wants us to instill a great deal of self-esteem into our toddlers, for they
will suffer excruciatingly later in life if we do not.
[ Contributed by Andrew
god wants me to date and then marry this lost man / woman, because it is Shirley
god's will for everyone to be saved. I will lead him / her to Christ
by missionary Annie H_________ ]
god wants every predominantly Black church in America to give praise to Dr. Martin
Luther King, Jr. during the month of January.
[From a reader: "I am
Black and I don't see any reason to have a church service dedicated to this man
who wrote papers contrary to Scripture."]
god was delighted with the pastor who proudly acquired advertising space for his
church on the marquis of the local theater, right beside the naked movie ads.
[ Contributed by Rita M _________ ]
god wants our Pastor to have a nicer office than Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, and
[ Contributed by a reader ]
god doesn't mind when the pastor tells the congregation to close their eyes and
put their heads down while he tells sinners to just raise their hand to receive
Jesus (and not come foward) because he doesn't want to embarrass them.
Pat & Race- Rancho Mirage, Ca. ]
god doesn't mind when a preacher tells his audience to close their Bibles while
he preaches, and "just look at me".
This was said by a youth conference minister
who had graduated from Hyles Anderson College.
god takes unspoken prayer requests.
[ Vickie W________ ]
god is pleased with secret believers, even though they will not tell anyone of
contributed the following:
I think Henry has a belly full of the TBN mob.