A NEW BIBLE--
THE NAISAAAB

John M. Whalen

 

I have some "good news ("gospel"!?). I am about to release a new "the Bible"!

The name of this "new and improved" version is The NAISAAAB:

The New And Slang Almost Agrippa "A" Bible

New- This version replaces the previous version that was released 18 months ago. Improvements include eliminating all words that are over 18 months old.

And

Improved- God just could not "get it right" over the years, so I thought I would help him out. I am an expert at the following phrases: "A better rendering would be�", "Unfortunately (I like this word-it says that God is not really in control, and that if he gets something right in his word, it is due to 'fortune', or 'luck', and not his power and sovereignty), the translators got it wrong here�"This is a mistranslation-the 'original' English reads�.,"We must consult the original English to ascertain the true sense of the word�"

Slang- reflects the new, modern vocabulary of our "cultured, civilized" society, and also recognizes the need to be "inclusive" of all members of our society, regardless of their educational level, and regardless of the degeneration of the English language

Almost** see below

Agrippa**see below

A- to recognize that "the" Bible is a somewhat misleading term, since there are more than 200 "the Bibles"'s

Bible

_____________________

** This is the Wimpy Longon High Anglican Confession of 2009:

I recognize that it is just impossible for God to preserve his word in the English language with 100% accuracy. Although he raised his only begotten Son from the dead, and saved a (formerly) rotten, no-good scoundrel like me, communicating his word to us in English is just too difficult for him- it just cannot be done -"no way" The subtle (Gen. 3:1) nuances of various languages precludes God from accomplishing this task with 100% accuracy. Therefore, recognizing this, I concede that my new version falls short of achieving 100% accuracy. Therefore, AAA in the description stands for "Almost Agrippa A Bible", reflecting King Agrippa's statement to Paul:

"Then Agrippa said unto Paul, Almost (emphasis mine) thou persuadest me to be a Christian (emphasis mine)." Acts 26:28"

That is, Agrippa ALMOST BECAME A CHRISTIAN, so my new "version" is ALMOST A BIBLE, but not 100% accurate.

__________________

"marginal notes"

My motivation is as follows-- This is the Modern Trendy American Confession of 2009:

1. I just could not wait another 6 months for the newest, improved English version (there have been approximately 200 versions of "the Bible" over the last 100 years, i.e., 1 on average every 6 months). The English language is changing so rapidly, that I am finding that the English versions that I currently own, including the one I just bought 2 weeks ago, are just so "archaic". I also find that the English versions I now have are just unable to precisely convey the nuances of this ever changing English language.

2. All the other New Versions (are at least the ones I am aware of- there maybe a new version being released as I write this) just do not reflect the "modern" language I am familiar with. For example, I am sure you are all familiar with the following expressions:

"Oops, my bad"
"Sweet"
"Snuff the punk"
"That's wack, man"

None of my "new" 78 versions have any such language! I just cannot understand the outdated, archaic language of my "new" versions, and why they do not adapt to our changing culture and society!

3. I was having difficulty understanding a particular English word in one of my "new" 78 versions. So, I was trying to look up that word on my cable T.V., which is equipped with the "Dictionary Channel", when my cable T.V. remote suddenly broke (5 minutes ago). It is just too difficult and inconvenient for me to get out of my "LAZY BOY" recliner to either manually change the cable T.V. to the "Dictionary Channel", or to look for a "hard copy" dictionary layin' around somewhere in the house. And any ways, I am not sure where this dictionary is, because I hardly use it, and if I spend too much time looking for this dictionary, I might miss my favorite T.V. Show, "Entertainment Tonight". It's probably right next to my dependable "T.V Guide", the Dominos Pizza menu, both of which I use all the time, or my "Reader's Digest Condensed Version of the Bible", but I just probably don't recognize it (Can anyone help me here? What does a dictionary look like? Did I 'dictionary' correctly?) After this experience, I decided to not include (that's a better word than the intolerant, "mean-spirited" word "delete") the following verse from the obviously outdated and irrelevant King James Bible:

"...and much study is a weariness of the flesh." Ecclessiastes 12:12

__________________

P.S. FROM THE AUTHOR

1. Well, I gotta go. I recently left a message for my mom on her answering machine saying "I was having a gay old time on my vacation", and she wrote me a letter suggesting professional counseling. I really don't understand her letter, so I need to call her. The tone of the letter seemed very mean spirited, intolerant, closed-minded, divisive, judgmental,and "unchristian". Who does she think she is?- I think she is "misinterpreting" the word AUTHORITY! Perhaps I should recommend she watch "Dr. Phil"? Dr. Phil recently featured a segment on "Anger Management" The King James translators got it wrong at Matthew 5:22- it "should read", in my opinion, "Do not be angry with your brother�", like most of the new, updated versions properly render the sense/intent of this verse, not " That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause�", as does the outdated King James Bible. I "prefer", I "like" the newer versions' sense of the intended meaning of the verse. The King James Bible is too condemning here.

2. For those of you who are unable to purchase this "new and improved almost a bible", do not fret. I expect this to sell very well. So, as I write this, I am already preparing a "new version" of this "new version". All that I am awaiting for on this "updated version of my new version" is a copyright- that way no one can copy it without my permission. After all, "money is the root of all evil", and I would not want anyone to profit from selling what I wrote! That outdated King James Bible reads "...For the love of money is the root of all evil..." (1 Timothy 6:10). Unfortunately, the King James translators mistranslated this verse here. A more accurate rendering of this verse, which better conveys God's intended thoughts, and the subtle nuances of English, would be "...money is the root of all evil, but as long as your sincere and you follow your heart....." (Uh, oh-I need to revise Jeremiah 17:9!) What did the LORD God do without me since 1611?

3. If any of you feel that I need to revise this post because some of the words might seem "archaic", I am still looking for my dictionary. Maybe I can pick up one at the 7-Eleven while I pick up my weekly comic book.

4. Since God needs my help in preserving his word, and he just cannot seem to accomplish this by himself, I will be "not including" the King James Bible "version" of Matthew 19:26. I will be leaving in Mark 10:27; Luke 1:37, 18:27- most people don't read "the Bible" -- whatever that is, no one seems to know.

5. Well, I just don't have any more time to study the bible, even though I just read the "unfortunate" King James rendering of 2 Timothy 2:15. But I am sure I can find a version of "the Bible" to suit my "preference" for 2 Timothy 2:15, that better reflects my understanding of this "difficult" passage. Look what I found!:

"Do your best"- NIV/English Standard Version/New Life Version
"Be diligent"- NASB/New King James Version/Young's Literal Translation/Holman Christian Standard Bible
"Give diligence"- American Standard Version
"Work hard"- New Living Translation
"Strive diligently" - Darby Translation
"Busily keep"- Wycliffe New Testament
"Try to show"- Worldwide English New Testament
"Concentrate on"- The Message

The reason I've no more time for bible study is that one of my favorite T.V shows, "Get Smart", will be on soon. The episode they will be showing is the one where Secret Agent 86, Maxwell Smart, says "Missed it by that much�.!" (kinda like an "Almost Bible"). Oh, well, if I miss this episode, I understand that 200 episodes also include this regret by Max (kinda like 200+ versions and growing, eh?).

6. Yuh know (since all opinions are equally valid / true, I prefer "As you are aware"), per Acts 4:13 ("unlearned and ignorant"),"some" of you (as in "some" manuscripts) may not fully grasp the "intended" sarcasm of this article. If this is true, feel free to "revise" it to "better convey my intended meaning." Or, as an alternative, being a former Roman Catholic, may I suggest consulting the authority of the "Magesterium" to help you "interpret" this article.

7. Any dissenters will be in for a surprise! They don't know how smart I am! I not only have an MBA in Finance, but I also spent 4 years in college studying and learning the Greek culture, being a member of "Sigma Nu" fraternal order. I was also a member of a well-respected Greek "fellowship" (I think they call it "male bonding" today- English changes so rapidly!) fraternity. You may be familiar with this outstanding organization- "Tappa Kegga Budda". This obviously bolsters my credibility in providing insightful, expert "The Greek" analysis and commentary. As a matter of fact, I was held in held in such high regards by my fellow members, that they referred to me as "The Greek"!

Funny thing, though- I could have sworn, that, at our weekly social gatherings, after a couple of hours of my fellow members consuming a beverage they referred to as "grown up juice", they were having difficulties pronouncing their consonants. I seem to hear them referring to me as "The GEEK" (no 'r'). Do you think I was imagining this? I have been unable to locate this word in my "revised expanded combination lexicon word study Strong's concordance". Perhaps I need to obtain the "new updated revised expanded combination lexicon word study Strong's concordance"?

In Christ,

John Whalen

"I have more credentials after my name than Larry King has had ex-wives and heart attacks so I must be qualified to re-write 'the Bible'"

 

 

 

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