John M. Whalen
I have some "good news ("gospel"!?). I am about to release a new "the Bible"!
The name of this "new and improved" version is The NAISAAAB:
New- This version replaces the previous version that was released 18 months ago. Improvements include eliminating all words that are over 18 months old.
Improved- God just could not "get it right" over the years, so I thought I would help him out. I am an expert at the following phrases: "A better rendering would be�", "Unfortunately (I like this word-it says that God is not really in control, and that if he gets something right in his word, it is due to 'fortune', or 'luck', and not his power and sovereignty), the translators got it wrong here�"This is a mistranslation-the 'original' English reads�.,"We must consult the original English to ascertain the true sense of the word�"
Slang- reflects the new, modern vocabulary of our "cultured, civilized" society, and also recognizes the need to be "inclusive" of all members of our society, regardless of their educational level, and regardless of the degeneration of the English language
Almost** see below
A- to recognize that "the" Bible is a somewhat misleading term, since there are more than 200 "the Bibles"'s
** This is the Wimpy Longon High Anglican Confession of 2009:
My motivation is as follows-- This is the Modern Trendy American Confession of 2009:
P.S. FROM THE AUTHOR
1. Well, I gotta go. I recently left a message for my mom on her answering machine saying "I was having a gay old time on my vacation", and she wrote me a letter suggesting professional counseling. I really don't understand her letter, so I need to call her. The tone of the letter seemed very mean spirited, intolerant, closed-minded, divisive, judgmental,and "unchristian". Who does she think she is?- I think she is "misinterpreting" the word AUTHORITY! Perhaps I should recommend she watch "Dr. Phil"? Dr. Phil recently featured a segment on "Anger Management" The King James translators got it wrong at Matthew 5:22- it "should read", in my opinion, "Do not be angry with your brother�", like most of the new, updated versions properly render the sense/intent of this verse, not " That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause�", as does the outdated King James Bible. I "prefer", I "like" the newer versions' sense of the intended meaning of the verse. The King James Bible is too condemning here.
2. For those of you who are unable to purchase this "new and improved almost a bible", do not fret. I expect this to sell very well. So, as I write this, I am already preparing a "new version" of this "new version". All that I am awaiting for on this "updated version of my new version" is a copyright- that way no one can copy it without my permission. After all, "money is the root of all evil", and I would not want anyone to profit from selling what I wrote! That outdated King James Bible reads "...For the love of money is the root of all evil..." (1 Timothy 6:10). Unfortunately, the King James translators mistranslated this verse here. A more accurate rendering of this verse, which better conveys God's intended thoughts, and the subtle nuances of English, would be "...money is the root of all evil, but as long as your sincere and you follow your heart....." (Uh, oh-I need to revise Jeremiah 17:9!) What did the LORD God do without me since 1611?
3. If any of you feel that I need to revise this post because some of the words might seem "archaic", I am still looking for my dictionary. Maybe I can pick up one at the 7-Eleven while I pick up my weekly comic book.
4. Since God needs my help in preserving his word, and he just cannot seem to accomplish this by himself, I will be "not including" the King James Bible "version" of Matthew 19:26. I will be leaving in Mark 10:27; Luke 1:37, 18:27- most people don't read "the Bible" -- whatever that is, no one seems to know.
5. Well, I just don't have any more time to study the bible, even though I just read the "unfortunate" King James rendering of 2 Timothy 2:15. But I am sure I can find a version of "the Bible" to suit my "preference" for 2 Timothy 2:15, that better reflects my understanding of this "difficult" passage. Look what I found!:
The reason I've no more time for bible study is that one of my favorite T.V shows, "Get Smart", will be on soon. The episode they will be showing is the one where Secret Agent 86, Maxwell Smart, says "Missed it by that much�.!" (kinda like an "Almost Bible"). Oh, well, if I miss this episode, I understand that 200 episodes also include this regret by Max (kinda like 200+ versions and growing, eh?).
6. Yuh know (since all opinions are equally valid / true, I prefer "As you are aware"), per Acts 4:13 ("unlearned and ignorant"),"some" of you (as in "some" manuscripts) may not fully grasp the "intended" sarcasm of this article. If this is true, feel free to "revise" it to "better convey my intended meaning." Or, as an alternative, being a former Roman Catholic, may I suggest consulting the authority of the "Magesterium" to help you "interpret" this article.
7. Any dissenters will be in for a surprise! They don't know how smart I am! I not only have an MBA in Finance, but I also spent 4 years in college studying and learning the Greek culture, being a member of "Sigma Nu" fraternal order. I was also a member of a well-respected Greek "fellowship" (I think they call it "male bonding" today- English changes so rapidly!) fraternity. You may be familiar with this outstanding organization- "Tappa Kegga Budda". This obviously bolsters my credibility in providing insightful, expert "The Greek" analysis and commentary. As a matter of fact, I was held in held in such high regards by my fellow members, that they referred to me as "The Greek"!
Funny thing, though- I could have sworn, that, at our weekly social gatherings, after a couple of hours of my fellow members consuming a beverage they referred to as "grown up juice", they were having difficulties pronouncing their consonants. I seem to hear them referring to me as "The GEEK" (no 'r'). Do you think I was imagining this? I have been unable to locate this word in my "revised expanded combination lexicon word study Strong's concordance". Perhaps I need to obtain the "new updated revised expanded combination lexicon word study Strong's concordance"?
"I have more credentials after my name than Larry King has had ex-wives and heart attacks so I must be qualified to re-write 'the Bible'"