Searching for the Truth in the King James Bible;
Finding it, and passing it on to you.




EDITOR:
Steve Van Nattan

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GUNGA DIN..... REVISED VERSION
New International Diversion

By Rudyard Kipling and revised by Steve Van Nattan

This is my offering to biblical scholars who insist on reading at the
Dick and Jane level. I suspect, given the sense of humor of Rudyard
Kipling, he would forgive me for using his poem to poke fun at snobs.

 

 

 

Having witnessed the disdain and disgust that some alleged Bible scholars have for the King James Bible, and having heard their claims that the King James is archaic and linguistically outdated, I now offer my solution to archaic poetry. We start the revision process with Gunga Din by Rudyard Kipling.

It seems that the next step is to do the works of Shakespeare over into modern English so that any dim bulb loser in third grade can understand Bill's great works.

At the end, I include footnotes, as do almost all modern Bible mutilations, which will show you how wise and erudite I am at trashing the old and improving on it.

I am sure some of you readers will not agree with my revision of Gunga Din, so I eagerly encourage you to do your own revision and copyright it. Then, you too can demand that you are paid a royalty by anyone who quotes your version.

 

GUNGA DIN

Rudyard Kipling

Original manuscript

You may talk o' gin and beer
When you're quartered safe out 'ere,
An' you're sent to penny-fights an' Aldershot it;
But when it comes to slaughter
You will do your work on water,
An' you'll lick the bloomin' boots of 'im that's got it.
Now in Injia's sunny clime,
Where I used to spend my time
A-servin' of 'Er Majesty the Queen,
Of all them blackfaced crew
The finest man I knew
Was our regimental bhisti, Gunga Din.
   

He was "Din! Din! Din!
  You limpin' lump o' brick-dust, Gunga Din!
    Hi! slippery ~hitherao~!
    Water, get it!  ~Panee lao~!
  You squidgy-nosed old idol, Gunga Din."

The uniform 'e wore
Was nothin' much before,
An' rather less than 'arf o' that be'ind,
For a piece o' twisty rag
An' a goatskin water-bag
Was all the field-equipment 'e could find.
When the sweatin' troop-train lay
In a sidin' through the day,
Where the 'eat would make your bloomin' eyebrows crawl,
We shouted "Harry By!"
Till our throats were bricky-dry,
Then we wopped 'im 'cause 'e couldn't serve us all.
   

It was "Din! Din! Din!
  You 'eathen, where the mischief 'ave you been?
    You put some ~juldee~ in it
    Or I'll ~marrow~ you this minute
  If you don't fill up my helmet, Gunga Din!"

'E would dot an' carry one
Till the longest day was done;
An' 'e didn't seem to know the use o' fear.
If we charged or broke or cut,
You could bet your bloomin' nut,
'E'd be waitin' fifty paces right flank rear.
With 'is ~mussick~ on 'is back,
'E would skip with our attack,
An' watch us till the bugles made "Retire",
An' for all 'is dirty 'ide
'E was white, clear white, inside
When 'e went to tend the wounded under fire!
   

It was "Din! Din! Din!"
  With the bullets kickin' dust-spots on the green.
    When the cartridges ran out,
    You could hear the front-files shout,
  "Hi! ammunition-mules an' Gunga Din!"

I shan't forgit the night
When I dropped be'ind the fight
With a bullet where my belt-plate should 'a' been.
I was chokin' mad with thirst,
An' the man that spied me first
Was our good old grinnin', gruntin' Gunga Din.
'E lifted up my 'ead,
An' he plugged me where I bled,
An' 'e guv me 'arf-a-pint o' water-green:
It was crawlin' and it stunk,
But of all the drinks I've drunk,
I'm gratefullest to one from Gunga Din.
   

It was "Din! Din! Din!
  'Ere's a beggar with a bullet through 'is spleen;
    'E's chawin' up the ground,
    An' 'e's kickin' all around:
  For Gawd's sake git the water, Gunga Din!"

'E carried me away
To where a dooli lay,
An' a bullet come an' drilled the beggar clean.
'E put me safe inside,
An' just before 'e died,
"I 'ope you liked your drink", sez Gunga Din.
So I'll meet 'im later on
At the place where 'e is gone --
Where it's always double drill and no canteen;
'E'll be squattin' on the coals
Givin' drink to poor damned souls,
An' I'll get a swig in hell from Gunga Din!
   

Yes, Din! Din! Din!
  You Lazarushian-leather Gunga Din!
    Though I've belted you and flayed you,
    By the livin' Gawd that made you,
  You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din!


GUNGA DIN- Revised Version

Rude Cobbling

Revised text is in italics

You may talk o' alcoholic beveages 1
When you're quartered safe out 'ere,
An' you're sent to shilling 2 -fights an' Military Headquarters 3 it;
But when it comes to humane combat 4
You will hydrate 5 on water,
An' you'll lick the Nikes 6 of 'im that's got it.
Now in Injia's sunny clime,
Where I used to spend my time
A-servin' of Queen Victoria 7,
Of all them Dravidian 8 crew
The finest man I knew
Was our regimental water carrier 9, Gunga Din.
   

He was "Din! Din! Din!
  You physically challenged bit of dryness 10, Gunga Din!
    Hi! friction free- come here 11~!
    Water, get it!  ~Bring water swiftly 12~!
  You facially challenged aged icon 13, Gunga Din."

The uniform 'e wore
Was abbreviated in the lap,
An' slightly less than that rearward 14,
For a piece of cottom cloth
An' a goatskin water container 15
Was all the field-equipment 'e could find.
When the pausing 16 troop-train lay
In a sidin' through the day,
Where the 'eat would make your bloomin' eyebrows curl 17,
We shouted "Oh Brother!" 18
Till our throats were rather-dry 19,
Then we blessed him when he tried to serve us all 20.
   

It was "Din! Din! Din!
  You needy native, how have you been? 21
    You put some ~quickness 22~ in it
    Or I'll ~dissect 23~ you this minute
  If you don't fill up my helmet, Gunga Din!"

'E would (dot) 24 an' carry on 25
Till the longest day was done;
An' 'e didn't seem to know the use o' fear.
If we charged or paid or borrowed 26,
You could bet your emerging head 27,
'E'd be waitin' 125 feet 28 to the right behind 29.
With 'is ~water skin 30~ on 'is back,
'E would skip with our attack,
An' watch us till the bugles made "Quit fighting"31,
An' for all 'is contaminated epidermus 32
'E was Anglo Saxon, clear Anglo Saxon 33, inside
When 'e went to tend the wounded under fire!
   

It was "Din! Din! Din!"
  With the bullets kickin' dust-spots on the fairway 34.
    When the cartridges ran out,
    You could hear the front-files shout,
  "Hi! ammunition-vehicles 35 an' Gunga Din!"

I shan't forgit the night
When I dropped be'ind the fight
With a bullet where my belt-buckle 36 should 'a' been.
I was chokin' mad with thirst,
An' the man that spied me first
Was our good old smiling sweetly 37 Gunga Din.
'E lifted up my 'ead,
An' he medicated 38 me where I bled,
An' 'e guv me 236 millileters 39 o' water-green:
It was polluted 40 and it stunk,
But of all the drinks I've drunk,
I'm gratefullest to one from Gunga Din.
   

It was "Din! Din! Din!
  'Ere's a heroic soldier 41 with a bullet through 'is spleen;
    He's eating dirt 42,
    An' 'e's kickin' all around:
  43 Git the water, Gunga Din!"

'E carried me away
To where a sedan chair 44 lay,
An' a bullet come an' passed through Gunga Din's body 45.
'E put me safe inside,
An' just before 'e died,
"I 'ope you liked your drink", sez Gunga Din.
So I'll meet 'im later on
At the place where 'e is gone --
Where it's always fast marching and no water 46;
47
   

Yes, Din! Din! Din!
  You (obscure wording here) 48 Gunga Din!
    Though I've belted you and flayed you,
    By the livin' Great Architect of the Universe 49 that made you,
  You're a better man than I am, Gunga Din! 50

 

 

FOOTNOTES:

1 Our revision committee felt that we needed a more inclusive rendering of this line.
2 "Shilling" was chosen to allow for inflation since Kipling wrote this poem in 1890.
3 "Aldershot" is obscure. Thus "Military Headquarters" makes it more clear what the venue really is.
4 "Slaughter" was deemed violent speech, whereas "humane" calls for killing with a gentle touch.
5 "Do your work" is a colloquialism that was thought to be linguistically confusing.
6 "Nikes" was chosen to be more age sensitive, and totally "fair", to the modern Millennial reader.
7 "Her majesty" is patronizing and limited to monarchies. The identity of the queen seemed needed.
8 "Blackfaced" being racist, "Dravidian" speaks of the Indian tribe which is rather dark skinned- See photo.
9 While "bishti" is the Hindi word from the original manuscript, a translation is preferred.
10 "Limping lump of brick dust" is socially discriminating and insensitive. Thus, the alternative was chosen.
11 In the original Hindi, "ither aw" means "come here." "Hitherao" is a careless rendering of the Hindi by Kipling.
12 Kipling uses the Hindi here, and thus the unfortunate repetition.
13 "Icon" was chosen to remove any spiritual prejudice of "idol" from the meaning.
14 These two lines are obscure to the reader who is not familiar with British idiom. Thus, more specific meanings were chosen.
15 The mental imagery of these two lines is limited. Thus, simpler words give more illumination mentally.
16 This is an unfortunate rendering by Kipling. Trains do not "sweat," as anyone knows. They do "pause."
17 "crawl" is a common printer's error. "Curl" is obviously meant by Kipling.
18 The dynamic equivalent "O Brother" is preferred by the scholar Beryl T. (Sue) Atkins of Collins Harper.
19 The word "bricky" is an obscure invention and vague to the modern reader.
20 Vaticanus, Siniaticus, and the Septuagint all render this preferred text.
21 "Heathen" is an offensive anthropomorphism of a "needy native."
22 The Hindi, "juldee," is rendered in modern English.
23 "Marrow" as a verb in archaic English and obscure. And, Geshmu the Arab says it is true.
24 After much searching of reliable scholars and linguists, it was decided that the word "dot" is a redaction and added by a copiest from ancient times. This is omitted by Brooke Foss Westcott and Fenton J A Hort.

Someone once asked me if I liked Kipling.

I told them,
"I don't know,
I have never kippled."

25 "Carry one" is obviously a printer's error and should read "carry on," a classic Angloism.
26 Kipling was obviously using financial terms here, so his true meaning is assumed by the translators, by using higher criticism.
27 "Bloomin' nut" is a period colloquialism no longer used in modern English. "Emerging head" is preferred.
28 A "pace" is 2 and one half feet.
29 "Right flank rear" is a military command term not well known by the common reader.
30 "Mussick" is the original Hindi for "water skin."
31 Again, "retire" is an obscure military rendering not well understood in mixed company. "Quit fighting" is preferred.
32 "Dirty hide" is politically incorrect speech and must be rendered with more compassion.
33 "Anglo Saxon" was used for "white" with some disclaimer by the translators since Gunga Din was actuality Indian.
34 The battle was obviously taking place on a golf course on the "green" for which "fairway" is the dynamic equivalent.
35 "Mule" is used for a vehicle to carry goods. "Vehicle" was thus chosen as preferred.
36 "Belt plate" is an archaic militay term from long ago. "Buckle" is a more modern rendering.
37 "Grinning grunting" is a crude slang form not worthy of the spirit of the poem. "Smiling sweetly" portrays the true temperament of Gunga Din.
38 "Plugged" is a vague word not commonly used as a medical term.
39 Modern measurements are preferred for youthful learners.
40 "Crawling" is an obscure form used only by big game hunters and Indian shikaris to describe water in Africa or India.
41 "Beggar" is politically incorrect in speaking of heroic soldiers.
42 "'E's chawin' up the ground" is SoHo English from linguistically challenged Londoners. A better rendering was found.
43 "For Gawd's sake" could be offensive to Atheists, so it was emended out.
44 "Dooli" is Hindi for a "sedan chair"- See Photo.
45 "Drilled the beggar clean" was seen as crude colloquialism not worthy of the high standard of the revision committee.
46 "Double drill and no canteen" is an archaic military expression used in doubtful company.
47 Regarding the lines:
             'E'll be squattin' on the coals
             Givin' drink to poor damned souls,
             An' I'll get a swig in hell from Gunga Din!
     It was determined by the revision committee unanimously that a discussion of Hell adds a dark mood to an
     otherwise great piece of literature. For this reason these three lines have been moved to the footnotes for reference.
48 "Lazaruthian-leather" is a reference to Lazarus in the Bible being raised from the dead with leathery skin. Words removed for political correctness.
49 "Gawd" whom Kipling gives for God, is instead rendered in the Freemasonic term to be all inclusive for all readers.
50 This last line is left in the poem, but with a disclaimer. It is culturally offensive as a patronizing statement often made by British colonial officials during the days of British rule in India long ago.


 

Epistle to the Reader:

I sure hope you peasants appreciate my work on this revision. It took ages to do the higher criticism and translate the Hindi. I also must admit that mutilating this poem was hard work, and mutilating the Bible is hard work. Imagine doing this with all 66 books of the Bible and First and Second Maccabees. Worse yet, imagine going to Hell for mutilating the Word of God. I regret to inform you that I was unable to recruit two sodomites to help me like the New International Diversion of the Bible did. It is so hard to find good help these days, especially since most of the sodomites have gotten themselves elected to the California State Legislature.

The revision committee wishes the reader to know that we have consulted many erudite and noted sources, some dating all the way back to the Neoprene Age. Among others, these include Pethagorus, Aristotle, Amos Moses, Duck Bill Sap and his pretty wife Hannah, Wilbur and Orville Wright, Winston Churchill, Bubba Snodgrass from Appalachia, Jerry Clower from Yazoo, Mississippi, and Little Goodie Two Shoes.

Finally, and on a more serious note, I hope you can see that pompous footnotes do not justify the corruption of the Word of God. The modern Bible revisions and translations are compiled by effete snobs who use big words and fair speeches to charm any idiot who will believe them. Are you one of the idiots?

Romans 16:17 Now I beseech you, brethren, mark them which cause divisions and offences contrary to the doctrine which ye have learned; and avoid them.
18 For they that are such serve not our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly; and by good words and fair speeches deceive the hearts of the simple.

Revelation 22:18 For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:
19 And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

The fact is, I memorized this poem to recite in English class in South Gate High School in California when I was in tenth grade in 1959. My teacher loved it. The kids were pretty much dumb struck because they had no point of reference from growing up in a British colony in Africa and living with British colonial officials, as I had.

DISCLAIMER: The ending about "squatting on the coals" is not my doctrine of Hell. Kipling was a God fearing man, as most colonial officials were. But, he took liberties with Christian truth, as most colonial officials did.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE: This whole page is under the most terrifying copyright. If you quote any part of it, including the commas, periods, or astonishers, you must beg me personally for permission. This will be granted to you only if full credit, my famous personal history, and much flattery of me is posted with your quote of my work. Any violation of this copyright restriction will be vigorously pursued in the World Court in Belgium and the court of Judge Boudreau Horsepaste of Thibodeaux, Louisiana. If any Chinaman in China republishes this work in any form, I warn you with the most vicious Amelilkan man threats, I will personally come to Shanghai and bleak you chop stick. The following video shows my grandfather invading Shanghai in 1927 to enforce copyright law.


You no pray tlicks on Anglo Amelilkan man

 

 

LINKS

GUNDA DIN AS FOUND IN THE MOVIE BY THAT NAME

MORE POETRY THAT I APPROVE OF FOUND AT THIS JOURNAL Unrevised

MANY ARTICLES AT THIS JOURNAL IN DEFENSE OF THE KING JAMES BIBLE

 

 

 

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