Searching for the Truth in the King James Bible;
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EDITOR:
Steve Van Nattan

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SHIRLEY GOD

A study in modern Christendom's folly
By Steve Van Nattan

 

 

This is the official page
of a god named Shirley.

Shirley god, though he has a lady's name, is often mistaken for the God of the Bible. Gender sensitive Liberals and Evangelicals have no problem with a god named Shirley. But, I have also heard more and more Bible believing saints talking about "Shirley god" as they speculate about the God of the Bible.

We have never heard anyone come forward with a definitive confession or creed for Shirley god.

For this reason, we at Blessed Quietness Journal have compiled many of the points in the creed and confession of Shirley god. We invite you readers to send others you have heard by E-Mail. We would like to put up an exhaustive confession of faith of the Shirleyites of the world.

Recently revised to be much more inclusive, pluralistic, and affirmative.

Shirley god and DC Talk both agree, "Jesus is just alright," and not a bit more.

WARNING: To you Fundamentalist pastors who print this out and hand it to your people, Kim Clements had a vision about you, and he is going to "Kick Devil Butt" out of you. Shirley god said so. 


THE CONFESSION AND CREED OF SHIRLEY GOD:

Shirley god loves Joel Osteen's sincere smile and white teeth.

Shirley god will give you the warm fuzzies.....
Joel Osteen told me so
.

Shirley god loves to see Rick Warren hob nob with devilish politicians and money tycoons on Davos Island in Greece.

Shirley god is pleased when our pastor neglects his wife and kids to run all over town when anyone calls.

Shirley god wouldn't send people to a burning hell.

Shirley god can use any kind of music to bring teenagers into the church.
See some clips and samples at: http://www.av1611.org/crock.html

Shirley god can use the New International Version and the New American Standard Bible to start a revival. The fact that revival has not happened in many years must mean that Shirley god no longer wants the Church to have revival.

Shirley god wants us to all work together in all the confessions and churches for the common good.

Shirley god loves our Cowboy Church where we do hick burp rodeo tricks and are all hat and no cattle.

Shirley god wants us to empty our minds and be centered and flow in meditation.

Shirley god loves it when pastors host game show churches.

Shirley god used evolution to form the world, as evolution doesn't rule out the existence of Shirley God. (This one is inspired by a conversation on a Usenet board some time ago)

Shirley god cannot alone control the weather or protect us from global warming. Shirley god needs us to send our monetary contributions to his prophet Al Gore, and fill his pockets, so he can empower Shirley god, because only money can give Shirley god power to save the planet.

Shirley god can use explicit sexual innuendo to reach the lost, as in the words
of Andre Crouch, "Can't nobody, do me like Jesus."

Shirley god wants our church to grow to be a monster by using patented plans by Rick Warren and Purpose Driven Cheese instead the methods of the Apostle Paul.

Shirley god is impressed with preachers who sit in their offices and study for there sermons [ and surf the Web for sermon illustrations ] instead of wasting time at the local cafe with those nasty publicans and sinners.

 

 

Shirley god loves a cheeky pastor's wife who bosses the ladies and men around when her husband is busy flirting with a deacon's wife.

Shirley god is also tolerant with the pastor's wife's red satin form-fitting dress, with her cleavage exposed, as long as the hem line is at her ankles.

Shirley god would not expect a pastor to resign and give total attention to his family just because one of his kids, who is still at home, got into sexual sin or perversion.

Shirley god does not expect Reformed Christians to win souls and actually talk about Jesus in public, because Shirley god can get lost souls saved without our help if he is really sovereign.

Shirley god cares more that women have a positive self-image than that they are virtuous!
( This one from Valerie B )

Shirley god understands the pain we feel when we refuse to stop sinning.
( This one formalized by Bill Clinton.)

Shirley god says that all truth is God's truth.
(This was learned, and unlearned, by one of our readers at college)

Shirley god will let me into heaven as long as I try to be good most of the time.

Shirley "god and I have an understanding."

Shirley god loves gays just the way they are. (Taught by Mr. Rogers)

Shirley god will accept Buddhists if they are sincere.
( This one was formalized recently by Billy Graham.)

Shirley god wants us to be so broadminded that our brains fall out. Robert Schuler told me so.

Shirley god takes all of our pets to heaven. (This one is explained by Jack Van Impe.)

Shirley god approves of the Heidelburg Confession and maybe even the Westminster Confession as sufficient to all matters of life and faith.

Shirley god wouldn't let us have trouble if we live right.

Shirley god can be worshipped,
"...in the wide open spaces, made by the hand of gaaaawd."

Shirley god wants spirit filled Christians to be rich and affluent to prove how good god is to them.
Second goofus teaching.

Shirley god is speaking when "men of god" jabber and joke with each other in tongues.

Shirley god will heal anyone who claims their healing.

Well, no one is perfect, not even Shirley god.

Shirley god is using Paul Crouch and TBN to save millions of people world wide.

Shirley god will double your money back to you if you send it to Brother Ike.

Shirley god always wants us to be laughing all the time.

Shirley god does not want the blood in our conversation and pulpits all the time.

Shirley god wants us to love ourselves first.
( Explained by Worshipful Master, Robert Schuler )

Shirley god doesn't want us to kill the animals and eat their flesh.

Shirley god understands when a woman wants to terminate her pregnancy.

Shirley god wants the trees in Brazil preserved, even if the Indians starve.

Shirley god wants all people to be guaranteed an income, even if they refuse to work.

Shirley god wants all people to live under Democracy where people rule the rulers.

Shirley god does not want us to pay taxes to governments we don't like.

Shirley god won't send Jesus until I have my living room completely redecorated.

Shirley god approves of Israel today, even if they bulldoze Arab homes which have been there for 500 years.

Shirley god wants the Pope to rule Jerusalem and bring peace to the Middle East.

Shirley god wants the whole world under one religious leader soon so that men will be one in the spirit,
"And they'll know we are Christians by our love, by our love..."

Shirley god wants our pastor to rule our church without any counsel from the believers.

Shirley god would let our pastor shack up with the church secretary as long as our pastor wins 300 people a week to Christ.

Shirley god won't send a fellow to hell for smoking a cigar once in a while.

Shirley god loves me more because I am big and fat, for Shirley god loves the fat.

Shirley god loves how the books in the Chronicles of Narnia series, and the Lord of the Rings trilogy, witness to the lost. [ Contributed by Andrew ______ ]

Shirley god doesn't condemn a homosexual relationship if it's a loving one.
[ Contributed by Bob __________ of San Diego ]

Shirley god is blessed more by big monster churches than by small house churches.
[ Contributed by Rita Marlene _____________ ]

Shirley god has many images and HE can speak through different versions (of the Bible).
[ Verbatim from James L Hewett IV defending the perversion bibles ]

Shirley God won't mind if an elderly woman of God teaches the adult Sunday School Class. The pastor raved about how he was blessed by her teaching the class. "She is so sensitive to the Holy Spirit! I am so refreshed..."
[ Contributed by Darrell Duncan. The next is my addition from experience. ]

Shirley god can use single lady missionaries to lead the national church to Christian maturity on the foreign missionfield if there is no man available.

Shirley god knows "how difficult it is in today's world for engaged couples to be faithful to purity before marriage."
[ Contributed by Pope John Paul II speaking for Shirley god-- Aug. 19, 2000 ]

Shirley god saith, "You cannot have a biblical local church without Sunday School."

Shirley god saith, "All true Baptist churches must be planted by another Baptist church, which is descended from John the Baptist and maybe even Korah."

Shirley god saith, "Get thee church busses to bring the children to Jesus. That way, the back seats of your automobiles will no be soiled by those little brats."

Shirley god commands that a perfect church makes the youth and children the center of attention.

Shirley god wants the children to be sent away from the adults as much as possible, especially for worship.

Shirley god is pleased when you have an Easter sunrise service to mix pagan sun worship with the resurrection story, especially if you do so with another church which you know is on the Broad Way."

Shirley god loves to see the Lord's people make a big thing of Christmas, for this is what the pagan Jews did in Ezekiel 8 as they faced Babylon and celebrated the return of the sun god Marduk.

Shirley god wants all pastors to be on call at the local mortuary so that they can bury as many wicked sinners as possible instead of letting the dead bury their own dead.

Shirley god loves to see patriotic rallies and flags waving in the church house several times a year.

Shirley god wants church leaders who cannot make up their minds until they have consulted their wives.

Shirley god wants the parking lot of the church house resurfaced before a new missionary is put on the roster.

Shirley god wants the local church to build its new facilities by going as far as possible in debt and selling bonds to ungodly neighbors.

Shirley god wants the local church registered as a nonprofit corporation with Caesar, just like the Gay Liberation Task Force and NAMBLA.

Shirley god wants the church leaders to be wealthy and to use their giving to influence the management of the church and the "direction" of the new pastor.

Shirley god wants laws to be made about dress and chivalry rather than to teach the Word on the subject, and see if the Holy Spirit may take care of the thing without laws. Shirley god knows that Law is safer than trusting the Holy Spirit.

Shirley god knows that no one is any good for Christian service unless they have gone to Bob Jones University or Tennessee Temple.

Shirley god hates divorce, but he understands that bad things happen, and we cannot untangle the results of sin, so Shirley god just overlooks divorce after a couple of years.

Shirley god accepts the good old boys who say, "I don't say much about my religion, I just kind of live it, and I am sure that Shirley god can use that somehow."

Shirley god loves a good lively time of chopping and joke telling to "warm up" the people on Sunday morning just before the worship time.

Shirley god can use a speaker much better who has had a long flattering introduction before taking the pulpit.

Shirley god saith, "Missionaries are the cream of the Lord's people, so you can trust it, missionaries are never lazy, and they can do no wrong."

Shirley god saith, "Get thee up to a local Bible conference, for the speakers there are much more clever and biblically knowledgeable than thy weasely little pastor."

Shirley god does not approve of too much demonstrative behavior during a preaching time, like when some deacon shouts, "Amen, Preach it brother," or, "Don't quit now preacher."

Shirley god does not want preaching to be controversial and offensive.

Shirley god must have been very upset when Steve Van Nattan had already preached for 45 minutes on hell and still had two points left in his sermon, AND, Brother Sandy MacDonald shouted, "Finish that sermon preacher!"

Shirley god will receive Billy Graham into heaven, even though he says Buddhists can be saved without believing in Jesus Christ as their Savior. George Bush would agree.

Shirley god can use the Medieval and Luciferian fantasies of C.S. Lewis to teach Christian truth.

Shirley god understands we have liberty in Christ Jesus which means it is OK to watch any perverted pigslop I want to on television.

Shirley god understands with this liberty in Christ we can dress in worldly and provocative ways (to include body piercing and tatooing) "to be all things to all people so we can win some to Christ".

Shirley god knows all who attend church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night are in bondage to rank legalism.
[ The above three contributed by Herbert __________ ]

Shirley god wants us to instill a great deal of self-esteem into our toddlers, for they will suffer excruciatingly later in life if we do not.
[ Contributed by Andrew _________ ]

Shirley god wants me to date and then marry this lost man / woman, because it is Shirley god's will for everyone to be saved. I will lead him / her to Christ
[ Contributed by missionary Annie H_________ ]

Shirley god wants every predominantly Black church in America to give praise to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. during the month of January.
[From a reader: "I am Black and I don't see any reason to have a church service dedicated to this man who wrote papers contrary to Scripture."]

Shirley god was delighted with the pastor who proudly acquired advertising space for his church on the marquis of the local theater, right beside the naked movie ads.
[ Contributed by Rita M _________ ]

Shirley god wants our Pastor to have a nicer office than Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, and other CEOs.
[ Contributed by a reader ]

Shirley god doesn't mind when the pastor tells the congregation to close their eyes and put their heads down while he tells sinners to just raise their hand to receive Jesus (and not come foward) because he doesn't want to embarrass them.
[ Pat & Race- Rancho Mirage, Ca. ]

Shirley god doesn't mind when a preacher tells his audience to close their Bibles while he preaches, and "just look at me".
This was said by a youth conference minister who had graduated from Hyles Anderson College.

Shirley god takes unspoken prayer requests.
[ Vickie W________ ]

Shirley god is pleased with secret believers, even though they will not tell anyone of their faith.

Shirley god makes a whole room of lunitics smile like they are passing gas.

Bill Gaither said so.


Henry contributed the following:
I think Henry has a belly full of the TBN mob.

Shirley god really sympathizes with big-time pastors that are caught in big-time sin. Shirley god knows that these pastors are so anointed that the Devil tempts them 10 times more than us ordinary Christians.

Shirley god has the ultimate financial plan for your life. If you give $1,000 to a big-time church so that they can redecorate, Shirley god will reward this heavenly investment with cash, houses, etc.

Shirley god understands why many church leaders are unloving. Shirley god knows that these leaders are visionaries that have trouble relating to us lesser mortals.

Shirley god understands why Canadian church leaders need to take pastors' meetings in resort locales in Mexico. Shirley god knows that these leaders need to get away from the congregation so that they can be closer to Shirley god and their fellow pastors. Also, they will minister to the poor for maybe a few hours.

Shirley god doesn't want the congregation to ask too many questions about where their offerings go. Just know that when Christians gave money to Paul and Jan Crouch, surely they use it for the work of Shirley god, not to cover lavish expenses.

Shirley god detests pornography, however, the ads and television shows routinely shown on TV aren't sinful, because the actresses do have on at least some clothing.

Shirley god can't possibly think its normal for a Christian NOT to have a television. People without TVs are abnormal.

Shirley god understands that the reason there are so many fat Christians is that these people spend too much time reading the Bible.

Shirley god knows that big-time TV evangelists need private airplanes to preserve their precious time and energy. But, Shirley god wants common folk like us to fly on commercial airlines.

Shirley God thinks it is great when you self-righteously honor The Lord's Day by not working, yet eat at MacDonald's on the Sunday and force someone else to "violate" Sunday by preparing a Big Mac. Shirley god is even more impressed when you then condemn others for breaking the Sabbath.

Shirley god is pleased when a Christian doesn't work on Sunday but spends the whole day watching Godless TV, watching NFL football players violating The Lord's Day of rest and fighting over a football.

Shirley god is really impressed when poor people tithe so that rich pastors can live - and brag about - expensive lifestyles.

Shirley god is really impressed by Christians who use their god-given time to make thousands of posts on Internet discussion boards debating extremely fine points of Biblical law, worldly entertainment, etc.

Shirley god is impressed when "Christian" discussion boards reject potential members because they don't subscribe to the Westminster Confession of Faith or similar creed.
(Steve adds, when they don't approve of Jack Hyles or Bob Jones Unifarsity)

Shirley god enriches some pastors so that the poor people in the flock have a great role model.

 

Do you have a friend who should see this page?

 

Question:
Have YOU said any of these things about Shirley god?
Surely.... God is not pleased with your soft headed religion.

 

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